My favorite philosophers of all time are a 6-year-old kid
and his tiger. Yes, I mean Calvin and Hobbes. During election years, Calvin
would always behave as though his father’s position as Dad was an elected post
and pester him about his polling and the like, suggesting platform planks such as later bedtimes. In my house, Calvin and Hobbes are held in the highest regard. So much so that...
The other day, Daniel told me
that I was up for re-election and he wasn’t sure how it was going to go, or
something like that. I asked if my running mate was up for re-election as well
and he answered in the affirmative. Then I asked him if I could choose a new
running mate if I wanted to and, if so, whether the new running mate could “already
be part of another administration”. He agreed that I could do that if I wanted
to. Yeah, that’s right, my kid gave me permission to dump his mother and take
some other (possibly married) woman on as his new Mom. Go figure teenagers.
So now, with my current veep’s approval, I am officially
opening up the floor to nominations for running mate for my “Dad 2012”
electoral campaign. As you might expect,
there are some expectations here. I’m not talking about age or physical
requirements for my new running mate, as you might expect from a shallow male.
No, these requirements are much more demanding than that. The successful
applicant for the position will be able to deal with:
- A “Dad” who is frightfully asocial and likely dealing with at least Asperger’s Syndrome and all that goes along with that.
- A teenage boy and all that goes along with that.
- A 9-year-old on the Autism spectrum and all that goes along with that.
- A labradoodle named Albert and all that goes along with that. Actually, that’s probably a plus; he’s a good dog.
In case you didn’t notice, there wouldn’t be any other
females in the household, so that means
you also get to deal with:
- Toilet seats left in the ‘fully upright and locked position’ when they shouldn’t be AND/OR
- Toilet seats NOT lifted to the fully upright position when they should be (ick)
- Socks left absolutely EVERYWHERE every single day
- A general (but not malicious) disregard for standards of cleanliness and order
- Dinnertime discussions of Minecraft, Skyrim, Call of Duty, griefers, airsoft, R/C airplanes, viral videos, meme pictures, Dr. Who, Star Trek, Star Wars… you get the idea.
- Responses like “Whatever” or “I don’t care” if you ask what we should do for breakfast.
- The lawn being long and scruffy. Honestly, mowing sucks.
- So do haircuts. Seriously, we don’t like getting haircuts.
- General avoidance of parties, sporting events, movies, concerts, pretty much anything where there will be a lot of people in a relatively small area. “Dad” has a brain that quite literally cannot deal with that kind of sensory stimulus. Say goodbye to the kind of social life you probably want to have.
- General disdain for those for whom logic is a foreign concept.
- This is a big one, folks, you have to deal with a politically liberal “Dad” in the house. Big time. Like, legalize marijuana across the board liberal. Socialized medicine liberal. Tax the rich until it hurts liberal.
I could go on, but I’ve probably scared you off already. So,
ladies, if you think you have the stuff to deal with this household please file
your application by email. I was thinking of holding “auditions”, but I don’t
think the current office holder will be quite that understanding. Not that I
can blame her; look what she already has to put up with.
